I  Was  A  Brat  As  A  Kid,  Too

I’ve been told that I’m only about half as funny as I think I am.  My first recollection of this was when I was eight years old, and my dear old dad informed me.

I can still recall his exact words:  “you’re only about half as funny as you think you are.”  But it was a funny situation, and I was hitting the nail on the head.

During my high school years (of which there were many) I received the same information from a few of my teachers.  Like the water runs off of the duck, I ignored most of their feedback.

But my English teacher, Mr. Drever said that I should be a writer.  He also called me a wretch, and on occasion, a scoundrel.  He thought I should be paying more attention to the writers we were studying.  I gave him my standard answer “I don’t write like they do.”

Back then, as now, I had a passion for old cars and hotrods (I also liked beer and was almost always erect.)

Mr. Drever asked us to write an essay doing a comparison.  I wrote about what I knew – picking up girls in my old flathead ’51 Ford convertible to the same exercise when driving the family’s new (1960) Buick.

I pointed out some of the pitfalls of trying to convince the sweet young flora & fauna to come party with us – like when a puff of smoke from the engine’s breather pipe sent everyone into a coughing fit.

And their parents asked them why their clothes smelled like a Truckstop.

It was a different story in the Buick, and that new-car smell was better than any wingman.  And cruising around at low speeds with all the lights on didn’t kill the battery.

I got 99% on that essay; I asked why not 100%.  Mr Drever told me that (in this world) there is no such thing as 100%.  I was inspired and English was always my best subject.

When I started my career with The City Of Calgary, I discovered a whole new canvas – the memo.  Some of them have even been framed.

Then came emails, and the realization that each and every one would be reviewed by endless levels of “supervision.”  (See “kid in candy store”).

But I retired five years early, and suddenly…nothing to write.

My trophy wife Poopsie was still working at the time.  She said as long as you are self-supporting, and agree there will be no loans or mortgages – well, do whatever you want.  What a sweetheart.

My background was in Property Appraisal, so I applied everything I knew and started doing race car appraisals.

Everyone who has a race car also has an old Mustang, or Chevelle, or Road Runner or pickup.  I started doing appraisals on those and when the comedy troupe that passes for City Council bulldozed Race City, the race car owners quit calling.

I knew all the car people in Calgary, so I started doing stories for several monthly car magazines, including Quick Times.

Then I started doing stories for the Calgary Sun every Friday in their Auto Section.  In 14 years I did 687 full-page stories and 687 (Classic Corner) half-page articles.

At The Sun, they constantly reminded me that I was not that funny, so I concentrated on sliding things by them.

Now, if I want my stories published, they want me to pay $500 a page, and that’s if I sign up for a year.  Thank you, no.  My stories aren’t THAT bad.

But someone has decided the Driving section should be about new cars.  There is nothing to be said about new cars that the dealers won’t tell you.  To me, it’s pretty clear they’ve lost their way.

So far I have avoided Facebook because I’m not really interested in everyone else’s business.  But I reviewed some of my old stories from a dozen years ago and they are still interesting – and funny.

My website will now be getting 687 stories and 687 Classic Corners, because I own the copyrights for all of them.  And every Friday we will have a new story about someone’s car, or truck, or whatever we find that is interesting and relateable.

Websites are expensive, but if we get enough people reading the stories, we can have advertisers offset some of the expenses.  I just want people to read my stories.

And if you’re a lion, and you feel like a taste of antelope you go to the Water Hole.  All these car people buy new cars and pickups, their wives drive a minivan, etc.  But their Collector cars are their toys, and not to be taken lightly.

My website manager is Melanie, who has worked on the local scene for a few years.  I am just going to be doing the writing.

So while my HQ (hilarity quotient) may be somewhere down around 50%, where I come from 50% is a passing grade.  And, naturally, I think I am every bit as funny as I think I am…

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Fred Nelson is an accredited Calgary appraiser who owns and operates Fast Car Appraisals and Nelson Racing.  Reach him at 403-242-3856 or frednelsonracing.com